Was it something I said? - Holistic Health - Medicine Blog ...

Tweets, and beeps, and texts might be a problem, but like any other form of technology, we humans are the ones? at the helm.

Last week?s post ?Can we talk? found me bemoaning the fact that our digital appendages are all too often becoming substitutes for the real thing ? live conversation with a flesh and blood person.? While that?s all true,? there?s still lots we can do to improve the quality of our verbal interactions.?? We need to own that sometimes it?s our actions, words, or simple lack of skill that nip an interesting chat in the bud.

Experience Life Magazine has a website full of interesting wellness related articles.? And, in my thinking at least, the steps we take to build and maintain our social connections are right up there as a health promoting activity.

So, when they ran a piece titled ?The Art of Conversation? I was anxious (you will excuse the pun) to hear what they had to say.? Authors Laine Bergeson and Courtney Helgoe cover lots of bases here: how to start a conversation with someone you don?t know, how to talk with folks you see every day, understanding body language, and how to be a better listener. But the section I found particularly interesting was ?Conversation Killers? ? those moments when you, or the person you?re talking with falls into awkward silence, eyes glazing over or looking longingly in the direction of the exit.

So here?s the list of faux pas verbatum from the authors ? subtle and otherwise ? pretty much guaranteed to bring a halt to any interaction:

• Phone-gazing. ?The minute you look down at your phone,? says Fine, ?it?s as if you?ve said, ?Shut up!? If you warn me in advance that you might glance at your phone periodically because you are expecting an important call, I?ll understand. Otherwise, it?s rude.?

• Closed-ended personal questions. Avoid potentially touchy queries unless you already know the answer, stresses Fine. For instance, something seemingly innocuous like ?Are you married?? is the last thing you want to ask someone in the midst of an ugly separation.

• Dwelling on the downside. Negative pronouncements, like ?Kids these days!? or ?What a terrible sweater the host is wearing,? put you at risk of alienating people, who must either agree or disagree, which could be particularly uncomfortable for someone you?ve just met. What?s more, if the first impression you leave is that of a grump, you might not get a chance to make a second one.

• Beware the monologue. ?If you?re at lunch and everybody else is finished and your plate is still full, it means you?ve been talking too much,? says Shepherd. Or if someone suddenly excuses herself at a party and you realize you don?t know the first thing about her, this can be a good clue about why the conversation died.

Then there?s another that?s one of my personal bug-a-boos ? relating everything a speaker is saying to something that relates to you. No sooner is a statement out of your mouth, and sometimes even before you finish, than the ?listener?? is offering for your consideration what they believe to be a similar situation that happened to them.? Here?s a sample dialogue:

#1 ?Think I?m going to have to visit the doctor soon, keep getting these headaches? every morning. I?m actually kind of worried.?

#2 ?That reminds me of what happened to me last Spring with allergies.? Had these wicked headaches all the time.? Took an antihistamine and they went away.? And my Aunt Jane had really awful headaches for a year.? Turns out she had a brain tumor?.?

#1 ?Oh??

Now I really don?t think that #1 was looking for that kind of response from #2 do you? In all fairness this may have been an attempt to show understanding and connection, but it seldom works that way.? It certainly makes you wonder how much listening was actually going on. This interaction is over before it even begins.

Listening is an important part of my business.? Folks who come to me for massage therapy may want to talk about their lives, or may simply want to be quiet for their time on the table.? Either way, it?s my job to pay close attention to what?s not said, as well as what is. Only by really listening can I understand how best to be of help.

As stated so beautifully by Oliver Wendell Holmes:? ?It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.?

Peace- Judi England, RN, LMT, Kripalu Yoga Instructor ? yogajudi@aol.com ? 8/20/2012

PS:? Want to hear more?? Listen to a 10 minute podcast on the research that went into this article on Conversation by Experience Life Magazine senior editors Laine Bergeson, Courtney Helgoe and Heidi Wachter.

Source: http://blog.timesunion.com/holistichealth/was-it-something-i-said/9636/

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